Monthly Archives: February 2011

Dry humping

 

A forgotten art.

Left in the dusty cupboards of old shit people USED to do in the old days before SEX came along.

Not true young buckaroo…

Dry humping is, and can be, as useful as a blowjob and in the right circumstances, as good as sex itself.

Don’t worry, I’m gonna explain myself on this one…

 Let’s go back to the year 1997…

 For me, teenage years…

 Between school and college, girls were around and, if you lucky enough to get one round to your house before mum came home, you scored.

In such delicate situations, you had to make sure you had enough drink to offer her, the right Jodeci mixtape and the right reason to invite her to your bedroom.

Once she was there, you were ALMOST home.

Sex was NEVER EVER expected. Hoped for, but never expected. Shit, just the chance to get a kiss and maybe a grope of a breast was considered a successful afternoon. If she let you touch her lady garden over her panties, that was a bonus 100 points. If you got IN the panties… WELL, that’s masturbation material for later on.

If she wasn’t interested in having sex, that was cool… unfortunately Freek n You didn’t work this time.

But what it did get you was 10-15 minutes of some good old, top of the clothes, breathing and heaving, adjust the dick moving, pre-cum staining, once or twice cum hiding moments that were JUST what you needed.

You were sorted! You could go to your boys the next day and tell the story that she was moaning and groaning and she did this and she did that, without having to explain that all you got was some simple dry humping.

 The pratice of dry humping is usually to INTRODUCE the sex. Packaged with some good foreplay, lying on top of your partner and rocking and rolling them, lining things up, making sure they can FEEL the movement where it needs to be felt.

Now THAT’S some good dry humping.

 Add a real good, sensual kiss from my previous blog (A simple kiss) and that session of tribbing against each other will feel as good as the actual penetration itself. Some of you may think that that is not possible but the REAL dry humpers out there are smelling what I’m cooking (the men who know to have the dick pointing up so when the erection kicks in, it’s straight in line with her clitoris and the women who know how to move their hips the RIGHT way.)

There is another side to dry humping.

Practiced by women REGULARLY, dry humping can be used as something to just palm a man off with. Invite him over, things start to get a bit heated, maybe you don’t feel the moment anymore, give him some simple dry humping then change ya mind.

Not fair, lol.

 But, to the ladies, there is the OTHER side to dry humping isn’t there?

Huh, when the RED team comes to visit, dry humping is a way to keep yaself hot without comprising ya morals or making any messy decisions.

I don’t know how well known this is amongst the male population but SOME women are particularly horny during their monthlys. That is if their not torn the fuck up from stomach cramps, retained water, general pissed off with the world syndrome or not wanting to be touched or seen by ANYONE.

Come on, we’ve all been there…

 In a situation when you have a particularly randy lady on her regular, and she may not be feeling like putting a dick in her mouth, dry humping answers all questions.

Able to keep the feeling of genital-to-genital relations going, without the actual touching, allows you both to feel something. No point missing out… there’s ALWAYS a way.

 With such beautiful acts that take place in bed like the amazing 69 when the pussy is right in your face or the lovely view you get from a reverse cowgirl or the moment when someone is giving you head and you talk with your eyes or when you put your hands on the small of a woman’s back, doggystyle, and watch her ass shake OVER your hands or the feeling or a woman coming on you or the feeling of warm lips on your neck… (you get the point…)

With such beauiful acts and things to see, people forgo the dry humping in order to get on to other things.

But don’t forget, before you were of a sexual age, how GOOD dry humping used to feel. Sometimes a good humping would make your whole week.

It’s still useful.

 Ladies and gentlemen reading this blog, I challenge you…

Next time you have your lady of gentleman caller in a Isley Brothers situation (Between The Sheets), see if you can make them come from dry humping.

It may seem like a simple challenge but it requires smooth, fluid, constant hip movement, no drooping, straight grinding.

You remember.

You may have been able to do it before, but when was the last time you made her come like that before even taking any of her clothes off?

When was the last time you put your man down on the sofa and tribbed on him until he came on himself?

If you’re thinking, ‘why would I do that when I could just fuck them and done?’ then bye bye, see ya later, door is THAT way…

Where’s your sense of fun, of trying something?

You don’t have to tell your partner your doing it, just try it. See what happens.

 

By Mr Oh

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To be whipped or not to be whipped

 

 

Like you REALLY have a choice…

And that’s the beautiful aspect of being pussy whipped. You have no control over it!

After Chantelle Mbye’s ‘Dick Whipped’ article on mydirtyglove.com, I was inspired to talk about the issue of being pussy whipped.
The term is old school in its inception and describes a man who has been ‘whipped’ by good sex or a good woman in general.

This can be deduced by the male’s behaviour, his desire to want to please said female (or so he thinks is HIS desire) and his own sense of ‘I just want to see her’.

To be pussy whipped, means that she hit you with something that made you wanna slap your mama and now you cannot stop thinking about her or the things she did to you. And you want it regularly!

Men sometimes like to act like no pussy can whip them. (I can hear a chorus of men saying, ‘please, no pussy’s whipped me… I whip that pussy’) – but THAT dude is the one who was whipped by some Grade A, tick tocking, quinting woman with a cape on her clitoris that has a giant S on it. And, at some point, he vowed to never let it happen again.

The thing about being pussy whipped or even being dick whipped is the assumption that you have a choice. When you know damn well you don’t. You know when you lie down with a woman and you’re in between the sheets, and you are making that magic, you know EXACTLY the moment when you realise that the pussy has whipped you. Whether you admit it to yourself or not is another story but you KNOW that the ‘bend over to the front and touch your toes’ move she suddenly dropped on you is gonna be bringing you back.

OR…

Good head…

Many a man have been hooked and fucked up via a blowjob that made his toes curl, he was grabbing at the sheets, had his hands all up in her hair and basically didn’t know what to do with himself. A woman with a dangerous head technique can keep a guy coming back even if the sex is rubbish. That’s technically ‘lip whipped’ but it keeps you coming back!

It makes you answer the phone at stupid o’clock to go and see her at the possibility of a lil’ some something, you could go round to her house and WAIT more than four hours if she’s said that she’s gonna give you some, you’ll tell her the dick is hers when she has it in her mouth in that special ‘sloppy’ way (if your not getting that good slop, you MIGHT just be missing out – FYI.)

The problem with being pussy whipped is the loss of control men experience. It’s like we jump out of our bodies and SEE ourselves being pussy whipped but we like to try and play it off like, ‘just this last time’. But the last time is always the next time.

Is it possible to not be pussy whipped?

To answer that question, I quote John Witherspoon in Boomerang when he said to the Eddie Murphy: ‘don’t let yourself be pussy whipped. You gotta reverse it! Whip that pussy. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!’

Reverse it and make her dick whipped!

But if you are forever trying to make her ‘dick whipped’ but fail, that’s a sign that you MIGHT be pussy whipped. (Think about it.)

Even the most experienced of swordsmen have fallen at the feet of a queen with good waist action with knowledge of the dick and knows make you feel good like Tony Toni Tone.

Careful fellas, women KNOW what they’re doing!

 

(Did you click the pic? lol)

 

By Mr Oh

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Wax on, wax ‘OWWW that stings’

Picture this:

It’s hot, sweaty and sticky in between the sheets when you are holding yourself over your partner and you are looking at them and they are looking at you and it’s all real nice and sexy. Everything is great and lovely, he may be getting harder and she could be getting wetter and then suddenly, your partner decides to pick up a candle and drip drop a few strands of candle wax on ya.

Don’t be confused if your partner DOESN’T scream out ‘oh yes baby, gimme more’. In fact what you should expect them to do is to first suck air through their teeth as the wax hits ’em. Then, after that happens, you should expect a look from your partner that says, ‘what the fuck was that?’

And why not? You chose to spill hot boiling, turned into liquid, wax on another person’s skin. Of course they’re gonna be a little pissed at ya.

Unless they are into that kind of thing, which means they are expecting the pain and the sting and red-raw skin mark afterwards.

If you’ve seen Basic Instinct, or Body of Evidence, then you’ll remember the scene I’m talking about. It was a tie-up scene where the man had been tied to the bed, and she dripped the wax on him.

Not just some small, ikkle piece of wax, oh no…

My girl went and held that candle from far above his body and dripped it down his chest. That shit was landing, burning, stinging, then drying…

And to anyone who has ever accidentally burnt themelves on some candle wax, you know how long that sting lasts.

Not too long but long enough to let you know, ‘wax on finger’.

It burns like straight Courvoisier.

Candle wax is not a play toy in the bedroom. Well, it is, but it isn’t. I’ve witnessed some real accidents as a result of the candle being left on a side table that got knocked over and set the whole room on fire.

But, on the other side, I’ve seen some real sexy secretions as a result candle wax being spilled.

It can induce you into taking the sting, getting angry, then flipping your partner over and giving them a good seeing to in your angry state.

Wax still stuck to ya thigh.

It can go eitherway.

But that’s the thing about candle wax. It’s meant to be something that you introduce but not do for like a whole session.

I mean, a whole sex session of just spilling candle wax on each other?

That’s just crazy talk.

It’s more about the idea of candle wax than the candle wax itself that puts people off. When you spill the substance, upon first contact, you know what has fallen on you.

It burns…

It’s hot…

You feel temporary pain

Your body comes alive with a feeling that somewhere specific is enduring pain.

But take that same feeling, be lying on your partner and that same sensation is changed into something different.

Whether your expecting it or not expecting it, that heat will do one of two things. It will wake you up like you’ve been sleeping, kick your ass with the sting, form a red patch on ya skin (depending on ya shade) and make you say something like, “Fuck me, I don’t wanna play this game anymore!”

OR…

You could grimace, you could screw up your face, you could suck in air through your teeth and call out loud for the LAWD… then ask for another.

Maybe you like to watch the wax splatter onto your skin.

Personally, I like to watch the wax dry, cool and harden.

That’s real ‘lions, tigers, bears, oh my……’

Anyone who has ever played with candle wax knows how it feels when it touches you. You feel alive, you feel real, you feel… like all those other cliches of good feelings that make you feel like, at that exact moment, you are living.

That might be a bit too deep all for some candle wax but, someone out there knows what I mean. Ah ha… it’s the Jigsasw feeling…

Coming out the other side of something.

(Just with less pig heads, drugging, kidnapping, etc.

When a woman drops wax on a man’s chest or any part of his body for that matter, he feels it. He feels every part of it. There is not one part of his body that does not feel the pain that is currently ripping through his chestal cavity.

But, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it. As we’ve already covered in blogs before, pain can be pleasure. It can hurt and feel OH SO good at the same time.

It’s not everyone’s splash of sauce on the top lip but hey, not everyone likes everything.

Some people like to get fucked with feet (yeah they do it with the toes), some people like to have people spit on em, some people like to break into people’s houses and have sex in their beds (eeeeewww, imagine coming home from a long day and you just wanna lie down and, oooh, what’s that wet patch on your bed?)

But we just have to be open to the idea that there are many other ways to be turned on and maybe be open to exploring them.

Candlewax is more a tool for foreplay.

It is preferred by the more avant garde of sexers who may possibly own a whip, some porn industry-standard lube and an entire DVD case of films dedicated to Kitten and Vanessa Blue.

Might be into a bit of S&M and are never afraid to take it there when it needs to be taken there.

It’s is one of the more dangerous things to play with in the bedroom, you know with all the fire and shit, but that is part of the appeal.

It’s HOT to know that, any minute, one of you could drop the candle and start a fire.

To think about it, the idea of skin burning and human suffering isn’t a real libido lifter but, if you’ve ever played with a candle, you know what I mean.

If you’ve played with a candle and been tied to a bed at the same time, you definitely know what I’m talking about…

To stare at the flame

Watch it dance as you breathe

Wonder as it gets closer to you

You feel the heat

Stare at the flicker as it’s leaned

You watch the wax get close to the edge of the candle

It’s about to…

About to…

Drop drip

One drip licks…

Stings like a bitch

But you like that shit

It hurt but maybe, just a little, you enjoyed it

Look into your partner’s eyes as you ask for another hit

You freak you…

By Mr Oh

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Afraid to be freaky

How many of us know who Mr Marcus is?
How many of us know what a ‘reverse cowgirl’ is?
How many of us have caught cramp or an injury of some sort trying to break out some unimaginable position?

If you know me or have any idea about what I do, then you can imagine that this rant is probably gonna be about sex.
And you’re not wrong either.
But I’d like to broach a particular aspect of sex, especially in this country and that aspect is about the ‘undercover’ side of sexual acceptance in the UK.

This is just my opinion, if you don’t agree… that’s fine, go hi-five ya face…

Now… like most people, I have sex. Quite a lot… one point in my life, I thought I was a sex addict (well that’s head addict, but that’s another story.)
And to have that type of feeling, I actually felt quite alone in that there was no one else to talk to about it because SEX, in the black community, is something that age appropriate (and inappropriate) engage in on a REGULAR basis. Yet it is something that is not discussed, shared or note compared… regularly.

Ladies and gents, before you start saying, ‘what you chatting ‘bout, me and my girls always talk about sex’ – I’m not talking about when you are talking to people you know and are comfortable with, I’m talking about sharing with people you don’t know.

(I can hear quite a few, ‘why would I do that?’)

Sharing is caring – a classic Nigerian saying – and I’m not talking about airing out your business on Facebook, or sending Twitpics of your favourite positions, I’m talking about going to a swinger’s party and meeting your corner shop owner there, or going to an event about sex but changing your mind because you’re worried about who would see you there.

This rant is inspired by responses I’ve had to the Little Black Book and its contents, which have split people down the middle with their opinions. Majority of people have been quite accepting and very open and receiving of it but there is a minority who have shied away, to the point where they did not come to the launch as they didn’t want their friends to know they were ‘freaky’.

But, deep down, isn’t there a freak in all of us?

Isn’t there that lil’ someone inside of all of us who wants to swing from a chandelier or wants to have sex on a public beach while the sun goes down?

Even though the topic of sex is personal to the person, I’ve found that sharing experiences is a great way for people to meet, to relate. Not just for sex, but to able to talk about relative issues, to discuss, to converse, mass debate even. (giggle)

Some people are open, some people are not and that’s the way of the world… I am not trying to change anyone by writing and forcing sex down people’s throats (?), but, in conversations, at events, I’ve seen the way that sex makes some people revert into themselves and turn their head to hide a smile that they KNOW they feel.
My sexual experiences are mine and yours belong to you, but something in the middle could connect us and who knows what can be born from that.
I’m not telling people to walk up to attractive strangers and say, ‘I like getting my dick sucked with a lot of spit,’ or ‘you look like you enjoy people sitting on your face,’ but, say that to the right person and it could be a very interesting night for you.

To be open, you must first know what inspires you in between the sheets. And be comfortable enough to know that you can go from missionary to reverse cowgirl without him slipping out… or you can get her shoulders all the way past her head and she’ll tell you to go deeper…

Once you’re comfortable in the skin you’re in, anything is possible…

Little Black Book by Mr Oh – OUT NOW

[Originally posted on mydirtyglove.com]

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Do’s and don’ts of sex

Do’s and don’ts of sex…

This is in no way shape or form a DEFINITIVE guide on what you should and shouldn’t do during sex (I mean I may put my tongue where others won’t, plus if it was, this would be a BITCH of a list) – so let’s just get that out the way…

SEX

I talk about it, do it, write about it, think about it, taste it, visualise it… I just like it.
But, as we all know, there is an unwritten unspoken set of rules that people GENERALLY adhere to in order to fully succeed in achieving that REAL good, make her thighs shake, make him walk like an Egyptian, sweat dripping, body trembling sex.

These are 10 do’s and don’ts for the best way to achieve the sex that your friends TELL you they have… unless you’re freakier than them…

DO’S

 1.

PAY ATTENTION – a simple, but HUGE start. Watch what makes your partner tick, what makes her voice hit that Mariah Carey octave or what makes him grab all over your body because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Chances are, if you are hitting that SPOT the right way, and you keep doing it, someone’s gonna be coming soon.

WOMEN: If a woman moans when your twist her left nipple, breath on her right one, with one finger on her clit and another making it’s way in, then she LIKES it. DUH! So remember that move and add it to your mental rolodex.

MEN: Anything that gets his toes curling, face frowning or anything that makes him open his mouth in a perfect O is a keeper.

 2.

 BE DARING – why not try a spank from on high? Or rub the space between his balls and his anus during head? There are still a lot of hang-ups about particular sexual practices in the world but, to be honest, the quietest of people will like the freakiest of things.

WOMEN: If your head is telling you to suck his dick like a porn star, armed with porn star wrist action, dirty talk and saliva, then try it.

MEN: If you want to lift her legs back PAST her head and lick her ENTIRE crotch, what’s stopping you? What have you got to lose? Besides a possible eruptive orgasm.

3.

 ALWAYS BE PREPARED – at one point or another, we’ve all finished and realised that the ‘clean up towel’ is out of reach or the flannel is in the bathroom and SOMEONE has to get up. But no one wants to move. So make sure, you’re ready for any eventuality.

MEN: If you plan to tie her up, but she doesn’t know it yet, make sure you tie up the restrains before she even gets to the bedroom. Hide things under the pillow, under the mattress, etc.

WOMEN: are generally prepared because they decided they were gonna sleep with you about two days ago AND how it was going to go.

 4.

LET IT ALL GO – that’s the best way to be… free as a bird… not thinking about your Tesco’s shopping list or if it is CSI Miami or CSI Vegas on today… your mind should be on the task at hand. Distractions can lead to sudden situations such as:

WOMEN: leaving your mind temporarily and saying the first name that comes out of your mouth, even if it isn’t the name of the person above or below you. (It’s happened…)

MEN: not really feeling the way she’s working you, and the dreaded DROOP kicks in and no amount of looking or touching is getting it back up.

 5.

SWALLOW – there is nothing like watching or listening to someone slurping down the fruit juice of your labour… especially if you’ve been made to wait or have CHOSEN to wait it out. If you’ve been made to feel the way you should, you will WANT swallow what is coming to you… but if you’re not having your scratch itched, it could also brighten up the most boring of sessions.

MEN: don’t be scared of pussy juice… it won’t scald you… or turn your skin green. If you’re reading this and saying something along the lines of ‘I don’t go down for nobody’, then YOUR missing out… TRUST ME!

WOMEN: what is there to say about swallowing that you don’t already know? Nothing… just make it wet and deep and God bless ya!

DON’TS

 6.

 BODIES ARE NOT TOYS – whether you stroke the dick with too much kung-fu grip or your fingernails are too long to slide inside, you gotta make sure that YOU are representing yourself. Groom yaself, take care of the body you bring to the table and the body you are trying to please… it is there for your pleasure, not for you to treat like some old t-shirt that you paint in.

WOMEN: a few things to always remember – a strong grip on a dick isn’t ALWAYS necessary. Sometimes, men keep quiet, but we don’t like for our head’s to look like they’re about to explode. Teeth too. You gotta remember to keep them teeths covered… they have ROUGH edges… a grimace isn’t always in pleasure.

MEN: groping is fine to an extent but you have to be given the permission, otherwise keep it smooth and constantly moving. Another thing, not ALL women like a ‘rammer jammer’ in bed so don’t think that ramming her THROUGH the headboard will make her come. I did say, not all, because there is a fair share of women who don’t mind that all night long.

 7.

KEEP TOILET GAMES IN THE TOILET – not much of a fan of being pissed or shit on to be honest… but some people do… to each their own… but, if you ARE into that type of thing, MAKE SURE the other person is too. Because you don’t want her to be coming like a geyser then you stand over her and take a number two. This touches on ‘DO number 5’, but men HAVE to know the difference between a woman coming in their mouth and a woman peeing. If you don’t then… HAHAHAHAHA… take that shit to the grave… YOU got caught slipping.

MEN: just don’t do it.

WOMEN: just don’t do it either… leave the golden showers for private time on the can.

 8.

SENSES – it’s one thing for your body to not be into it, but for your eyes and mouth to show disinterest is a REAL mood killer. If you’re lying there, like a rag doll, forcing yourself into position, huffing and puffing when something feels wrong, rolling your eyes, fixing up your mouth like you’d rather be drunk, etc. It’s not a good look. And, in turn, the performance from both participants will suffer and the orgasm could just be to get it out the way so one of you can sleep. Why are you fucking in the first place?

WOMEN: though a lot of sexual emphasis regarding sounds is put on women, you DO make our engines roar when we hear the road enjoying the ride. If you’re not feeling it, it’s better to keep it real and just say, ‘you know what, we need to stop!’ Better that then feeding his ego, making him feel like he ROCKED the Casbah, when really, you were mentally fucking someone else.

MEN: do not restrict your vocab in the moment to ‘uh’, ‘oh’, ‘um’, ‘yeah’, ‘that’s it’ and, my personal favourite, ‘oh yeah’. Give it some variation, throw a, ‘bet you can’t get it all in your mouth’, or a sly, ‘look how big your mouth is, I know you can do better’. (Though the last one could STOP everything and turn her into, ‘what do you mean my mouth is big? What, you saying I talk too much? See, I knew it… my girlfriends told me about you.’ And you watch her walk away. So CAREFUL!)

 
9.

 WALK THE STRUT IF YOU’VE TALKED THE GAME – there is nothing worse than bragging about your CRAZY head game or your WEST BANK dick that will have her screaming, ‘GAZAMISEH’… and NOT delivering the product advertised. Don’t promise a porn star performance if you know you only need two positions to get your nut and drop to a quick slumber. Keep it real with yourself. Only offer what your willing to give. That way there’s no expectations.

WOMEN: Give him what he ordered or what you provided for him on the menu… if you’re willing to go that extra mile, let him know, or spring it on him when his mind is somewhere else.

MEN: okay… now… men have a tendency to talk a good game more than women do. But that’s because the onus is put on men to MAKE the sex good for both of you. Plus, it’s not our fault… unfortunately, and it’s yet to be scientifically proven, but, our dicks sometimes speak for us. So when the opportunity to talk sex arises, so does our junior selves. And they like to talk about all the things they can do, based on past experiences, but every time is different. So don’t think that you’ll be able to fuck for four hours like you did with your ex, and then come after five minutes. Which leads me on to my next point… you cannot… repeat CANNOT blame a case of premature ejaculation on her ‘good pussy’. They don’t buy it guys.

 10.

SEX TOOL KIT – sex is not a plaster on a stab wound of a relationship, it will not FIX your problems, mend your broken heart or define your status on this planet. It will make you feel good for… as long as you can make it last for. Someone is thinking about having sex right now for all the wrong reasons, but, to them, they can’t see anything but legs in the air. It is a temporary euphoric release that dissipates after you’ve caught your breath after an orgasm… or had that bomb diggy nap. Because if you’re having sex to hide, mask or fix something, the pain of the wound will still be there.

WOMEN: rule sex, don’t let it rule you.

MEN: it may seem like the GALICE thing to do but sex is not a badge of honour.

Maybe you agree with my do’s and don’ts, maybe you think I’m way off, but, hey, you’ve been entertained!

Be good with it…

Peace and hair grease

Mr Oh

DON’T FORGET: Little Black Book – OUT NOW via amazon and all good internet and book shops

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Such a simple sentence

There is something about it.

The idea of it plays with your mind and to see it is like when you watched Seven and found out that it was his wife’s head in the box,

Basically, it leaves your mouth open.

Every freaking time.

There is no way a woman can say this to you and you don’t think to yourself, “DON’T LIE!”

It is a powerful sentence that, once said, can completely change the complexion of an evening, or even a single moment in time.

You could be doing one thing, hear this sentence, and completely forget what you were doing.

Women have mouthed these words from a distance and fucked up a dude’s train of thought.

Your good good friend from way back, the friend who you’ve never looked at in that way can say this to you and turn a friendship into some next shit.

All because she said those words to you.

Sometimes they can make you react quite wildly, and possibly rip something in return. But it’s not your fault, it’s hers.

ALL hers.

She couldn’t keep her mouth shut could she?

You could’ve gone quite well without knowing and now it’s all you can think about.

But she knew that.

Why oh why did she have to tell you she wasn’t wearing any underwear?

Why?

Now you’re head is clouded.

You could’ve been in the middle of a sentence and she said that to you and now you can’t remember WHAT the hell you were saying.

Or worse, she could’ve showed you!

Oh God, don’t let her do that!

Women, at times, wear clothes that fortunately look or feel better without underwear. VPL is the enemy of women and to avoid such a bastard on their swag, women will go without any underwear on.

Usually with dresses, skirts, etc. but also with trousers, jeans (ahhh, I do love a good camel) and tracksuit bottoms (with the loose elastic so you could slip a hand right down there and… WOOOOSAAAAH)

But she’ll wait until she is wearing something that will allow you to possibly find out whether or not she is telling the truth.

I’m telling you, if you’re a guy reading this, you know what I mean. If you’re a bi-woman you know what I’m talking about.

Fuck it, if you’ve ever looked at a woman and thought, ‘yessur I would’ then you know what I’m talking about.

So crafty a sentence, it is also a statement of intent.

Don’t think she told you that because she just felt like ‘sharing’.

*Bernie Mac voice* That’s bawlshit!

There is never a time a woman will tell you that she isn’t wearing any panties in order to make her more aerodynamic on the dancefloor.

Or she is panty-less in order to let her brand new tramp stamp tattoo heel.

That’s crap, crap and thong-less crap!

If a woman tells you she’s got nothing on underneath her outfit, you best to know you have carte blanche to find out.

  • In a restaurant.
  • In a club.
  • At home watching TV.
  • Sunday dinner with the parents.
  • Extra long queue at Tescos.
  • A changing room in Primark.
  • The movies.
  • Anywhere.

What such a sentence does is that it makes you feel like you HAVE to know whether or not it is true.

And the finding out is the next part of the fun.

You may go straight for a cheek massage to find out quick and easy, you may go a little further up to check for a thong but you like to know then and there.

A more fun way is to take it slow with it.

Let her know with your touch that you are going to find out… you’re just gonna be slow with it.

  • Start with a single hand on the small of her back.
  • Run your hands along her waist, feeling for the elastic of underwear.
  • When you feel nothing, which you hopefully should, return to the small of her back. A thong triangle usually sits there.
  • If it ISN’T then she just might have been telling the truth.
  • She might actually have no underwear on.
  • You might have to go for a cheek caress to find out.
  • Best technique is slide a hand down from her back straight down the middle and then across a cheek of your choice.
  • What your hoping to feel is nothing but smoothness all the way do to her thigh.
  • A little eye contact between you should ensue because, at this point, you both know that there is only one other way for him to find out whether or not you are telling the truth.
  • One conclusive, definite way to find out if you are walking the talk.

That hand is gonna have to wander to warmer climates.

All this should transpire in about a minute but the thoughts that that 60 seconds feeds is enough to keep you going until you are able to REALLY do something about it.

The mind fuck of it all is what makes it so sweet. Because she already knows whether or not she is lying but you don’t.

And she enjoys watching you find out.

And he enjoys trying to find out.

If you’ve proclaimed yourself panty-less, your hoping he’ll get close enough to find out anyway so it’s all moo (see: Joey from Friends)

The sweet simplicity of such a sinfully saccharine sentence is what it does to the mind.

Especially if it is dropped appropriately… or inappropriately as the case maybe.

I say inappropriately because the true freaky people out there know about the sexual pleasure that can be found in being able to tease someone in an environment where they are not able to do anything about it.

Strolling the aisles of Tescos on a Friday night, doing the weekly shop isn’t the place to whisper that you are not wearing any underwear as you bend over to pick up a bag of Basmati rice… but what you’ve done is made him watch your thighs, trying to find out if you are or not. But it may not necessarily be appropriate to be groping each other in Tescos on a Friday night with families and shit all over the place.

But she knew what she was doing when she that.

She wanted to fuck with you.

Or, and this one is a REAL mind fuck, she tells you over the phone.

AAAAAAAHHHH…

Since teleporatation hasn’t be scientifically proven to be fincially viable on the NHS, them words over the phone are just unnecessary.

A general description of something your wearing over the phone sucks because you can’t do anything to see it… unless it becomes picture, or better yet, video call time.

I mean, think about the last time you heard a woman say to you, I’m not wearing any underwear.

Women may hear that all the time. To them, they can be going raving and be ready to walk out of the house and look in the mirror and see a VPL… then just slide the panties off, step out of them and put them in the purse like it’s nothing.

To a man, that’s a sexy ass thing to be in the presence of.

It’s not that we don’t know what you look like naked, but it’s the idea that your nakedness is covered to the world, but the private part of you is just… out…

With one lift of the back of your skirt… that’s all it would take…

Wanna make a man crazy without doing much?

Tell him you’re not wearing any underwear.

In fact try it out…

Randomly…

Pick someone in your phone and just text, tweet or message them and say ‘I’m not wearing any underwear…’ and you pretty much know the response your going to get.

As I said, it is such a crafty sentence because, between women, it is said in the tone of, ‘they were bothering me so I decided not to wear any.’

So off-hand, so meh…

What men hear is, ‘so my booty is right here and my pussy lips are sliding together all exposed… all you have to do is have a look.’

It’s weird to say this but a beautiful woman somehow becomes sexier when she chooses not to wear underwear and then tells you about it like it’s the explanation to the numbers in Lost (and I STILL don’t know what they are…)

That it is a secret that only you and her share.

You could be in a house party, just chilling, drinking, music is playing, joke is flowing, it’s all good.

You get up to get a drink, bend down to ask her what she’s wants to drink, thinking ‘yeah she’s looks good tonight’ then she pulls you close and tells you her drink order. You get YOUR drink first then she walks up to you, takes your drink then says, ‘I’m not wearing any panties tonight’.

Where are your eyes?

Where did you look as she walked away?

Exactly, you watched that walk with heavy concentration like it was CCTV footage.

What can you see?

What can’t you see?

Is she really not wearing any panties?

To really kick you while your down, she sits back down and folds her leg with the dirtiest smile before taking a long sip of your drink.

That woman is inciting you to do some shit!

Such a crafty sentence. Panty-less simplicity even.

Remember when Samuel Jackson ate the boy’s burger in Pulp Fiction, looking at him like, you can’t do shit and you know it.

That’s what that move was.

You don’t realise that she had you as soon as she whispered in your ear.

It was a like a slap in the face ‘cuz now, all that is on your mind is… *with a head tilt*

Is she?

By Mr Oh

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Dissatisfied lovers

You are everywhere.

You sleep rough.

You toss and turn.

The smallest jolt in a car can turn into a private silent moment because no one is making you make the loud noises in your bedroom.

Unfortunately there are more of you then there should be and you are NOT happy.

You get pissed off when you see it in front of you, thinking, “why the fuck am I not getting that?”

Sometimes you think to yourself, “how is this NOT making sense?”

You are the dissatisfied lover.

You are suffering regular BAD attempts at turning you on and making you come.

You speak out time and time again but nothing ever changes.

He keeps on treating your clit like it’s a magic lamp and he’s trying to get the Genie out that mofo.

She still thinks that that rough handed, kung fu grip thing she does when she’s working her DRY hand is cute. (She’s confusing your pain frown for a pleasurable grimace. It’s not so sweety.)

I don’t really think I need to explain the definition of someone who is ‘dissatisfied’. It’s pretty self-explanatory. You know whether or not you are getting the treatment you should be getting. Your libido knows even before any touching goes on whether or not this motherfucker is gonna fail you again!

They piss you off so regularly that you expect nothing less. You don’t question WHY you keep returning to this poor excuse for a lover… maybe you can’t be bothered to build up a rapport with a new someone, maybe you feel you can FIX this one, maybe it’s easier to just suck it up and take what you can get, who knows.

You don’t… ‘cuz your STILL vex, your STILL not getting that scratch itched and your STLL sitting with yourself afterwards asking yourself, ‘why am I fucking you?’

Dissatisfied people live in every corner of the earth, There is someone reading this right now who wishes she could have a nice stiff one in her with the knowledge of how to work it the right way. Or a guy getting some nice, appropriate special attention on his gentlemen just because you wanted to.

For those of us who KNOW how to put it down the RIGHT way or are getting seen to the RIGHT way, you kinda feel like you wanna fuck ’em just to make them see:

  1. What it’s like to REALLY blackout and not know where 5 hours went
  2. Give ’em a lil something to, ya know, moisten the palette

 

You can tell you have a dissatisfied lover in your embrace when you do something to them that, to you, is quite regular and a part of the normal service you provide everytime you make a delivery between the sheets. You could be holding their thighs in that way that you do, doing that thang that you do when all of a sudden she up and screams at you like a white lady walking into the wrong room in a horror film.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH……

You’ve been there… ladies, it may have been a time when you’ve unleashed, what you consider to be standard head, or that hip flick thing you do, and he sounds like he’s being massacred.

That means that the receiving person isn’t used to moves like that because the last diner at the restaurant didn’t know how to EAT the meal properly.

They used the dessert fork for foreplay, had their elbows on the table during intercourse and thought the salad fork was appropriate for oral sex.

A scary thought about being a dissatisfied lover or a person dissatisfied with their sex life is that there are lots of you living day-to-day lives with partners who think that they are doing you the way you need to be done.

But you ain’t saying nathan.

You’re reason are your own but you are happy to suffer the PlayStation thumb session they call foreplay or the uncomfortable way she tries to match your groove but manages to fuck it up and make your hip bones knock. Then you don’t get in properly and it just feels all uncomfortable and you just wanna swap position to get out of the annoying position she is happy to stay in,

WOOOOOSAAAAAH….

Sorry, private moment…

But you know what I mean.

If you looked at your sexual career, you would probably see that you let a lot of weak loving come your way and even repeat on ya and, I’m sorry, but the days of accepting shoody loving, for whatever reason, are gone.

Done. Finished. Finnito. Exit stage right.

Put those days in an envelope and send them to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

It’s 2011…

If you ain’t eating the pussy then for fuck sake, eat that pussy. What are you scared of?

I can hear someone actually saying, ‘I ain’t scared, I just don’t do them things there.’

But even in saying that, you MUST be a little scared of it if you ain’t willing to put your mouth on it. Yeah you’re willing to stick it… you even beg to stick it skin-to-skin cuz it feels better.

Well eating pussy is just the same… it feels better when you put some REAL contact on it…

I can see this turning into a rant about eating pussy and I’ve already done that but NOT eating pussy is one way to leave your lover all types of pissed and vex. Especially if:

  1. Her friend gets it regularly and tells her about it all the time
  2. You did it once and haven’t been back to the Town since
  3. Her ex-lover/man/fuck buddy/booty call used to do it to within an inch of her life and, though you may have some good dick, it doesn’t gloss over the feeling of a wet tongue attempting to reach the hilt of you.

 

The only way to make sure your partner is satisfied is to make sure that you are covering all bases when you are taking them to the tip of titillation.

That means full versions of everything in your arsenal and THEN some…

So there needs to be:

  • full PRE-foreplay
  • major foreplay
  • head that makes your partner’s feet move all around like they have no control of themselves or their body movements
  • intercourse in a bevy of positions, each one making her come accordingly

 

REALLY, you should’ve been doing that in the first place, and if you were, then you wouldn’t be reading this blog taking notes, lol.

OoOoOoOoO…

And the final, BIGGEST aspect of being dissatisfied with the sex your partner gives you is the aftermath.

You won’t see it between the sheets, you may catch a random look after you’ve come that says, ‘thank GOD, now I can wash the plates’ but you won’t get the full impact of the BACKLASH you are about to receive as a result of not handling yo biznass.

Here’s a few random scenarios you may have encountered but never known why. Unfortunately I’m going to use examples for men because, well, it’s more common for a woman to be unsatisfied than a man.

(NOTE: throughout this post, I’ve referred to both men and women as the victims and culprits of the poor service that we all suffer during sex, but we all know that it’s women who are the majority of victims of this senseless crime against libidos everywhere.)

So, fellas, here’s a few thangs to watch out for that could be possible manifestations of your poor workmanship on her clit…

  • You give her a call, maybe just a random hello or a planned phone call. And she answers the phone with INSTANT hostility. Her voice is cold, you can HEAR beef in the way she speaks and, classically, when you ask her what’s wrong, she says… “NOTHING, I’m fine!” She is NOT fine. Your display from last night has pissed her right off.
  • You are both sitting down, watching something random. (Usually a good time to start something.) You realise the film your watching has a quite emotional sex scene in it and you get the wheels of your arousal running. But you get a very stoic, “nah, I’m alright” like you just offered her a room-temperature cold drink. Then she lifts your hand up and away from between her thighs like you are trying to give her a contagious disease.
  • The next time you two find yourself in bed and you get some sub-standard handjob, it just might be payback.
  • OR your eating dinner and she mumbles under her breath, “Oh yeah, you can eat from THAT plate can’t you?”

 

Dissatisfied lovers turn into dissatisfied people who turn into angry people who decide not to give you any, and they may take out their frustrations on you in other ways and can generally make your life a living hell. While you’re just going along thinking your still the hand that fits perfectly into that glove.

But it’s not so Joe.

You best improve that flow.

Before she calls Tyrone.

And you KNOW Tyrone knows.

By Mr Oh

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