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Letter to Mr Non-Eater

Dear Mr I’m-Too-Good-To-Visit-Lower-Lands,

This is my letter to you. Yes YOU!

You may not necessarily want to read this letter but I think it’s time someone spoke to you and really put you on to what the fuck is goings on.

With so many issues to cover, I don’t even know where to start… but the beginning is a good place.
It’s 2011… the year of the double one. That means fuck all really but, what it does mean is that its another year that you have NOT sucked a pussy yet and I have to ask WHY?

Are you one of those people that feel that it’s a dirty, disgusting, vulgar practice?
Are you one of those folk who look at a pussy and are happy to stick your dick in it with no condom but refuse to let your lips linger down there?
Are you one of those fellas who say on the regular, in bad English, “I don’t eat no pussy”, “mi nah bowcatt” or “I don’t eat nothing that bleeds”.

What, exactly, is stopping you sir?
What, does the idea of eating pussy scare you? Are you scared of doing it? Are you worried you won’t do it right?
I can hear you staying strong and saying, “nah man, I just don’t do dem tings”.
Well, what tings?
Because I know you’ll be quick to drop the head push on her and try and get her to slip your dick into her mouth.
So what’s wrong with reciprocation?

I mean, sir, FA REAL?!?!?
Are you the kind of man that doesn’t like to kiss either? (Don’t get me started on those guys.)

I have to ask: how can you be living your life without eating some pussy along the way?
I know it’s not for everyone and not everyone will like the taste, but, it is an acquired one. And, really, it’s not about you. It’s about her.

Don’t worry sir, I’m not telling you to go around eating every pussy you put your dick into but, damn homes, find one you wouldn’t mind eating and go for it, face first.
It ain’t gonna bite ya, it won’t even cuss you for it… in fact, it’s the exact opposite.
This may sound like some “God Forbid” advice but ask a man who eats pussy about the response he gets from her and you’ll start to see what the attraction is.

There are many things you can do with the basic sliding a dick in but there is another level of pleasure and enjoyment for her with a tongue.
Firstly, as you know, women have something that’s called a clitoris… usually the thing you try slip ya dick into before you realise her entrance is lower down.
Now that little button is just as important, sometimes MORE, than the actual insertion and intercourse. And in a head situation, it can be the difference between her deciding to give you no head or break out the sloppy, Lethal Lipps inspired, Kakey sponsored head that makes you NOT wanna watch.
Any headologist who knows how to treat a pussy right knows and remembers the most extreme reaction he’s ever received from a woman. He will tell you about the screaming, the sheet scrunching, the attempts to run away, the breath holding, the eyes rolling back, the calls out to God, the tapping out, the ‘trying to push the head out’, the scratching, etc.
For a woman as well, there is nothing like seeing an attractive man (well I’m hoping you’re not a Dog Of The Face sufferer) between her thighs handling her business.

See the problem with you, sir “I-don’t-lick-nuttin”, is that you are spending all this time not eating pussy thinking about the fact that you don’t wanna eat pussy for whatever your reason, but what about she?
Doesn’t she deserve some pleasure?
Doesn’t she deserve the right to be pleased by something other than your dick?
Did you ever think that you might not be slanging the pipe the way you think and she’s truly not being pleased?
Or don’t you think she’s worth it?
(But is she worthy enough to suck your dick? If the answer was yes, and I imagine for most non-eaters it was, then SHE needs to reevaluate some thangs. Lady readers, has he ever gotten you to suck his dick but not returned the favour? Thank about it…)

The worst thing is that the stigmas you attach to sucking pussy are all crap and mean sweet fuck all.
Here’s a few of the most common misconceptions about sucking pussy, maybe this will change ya mind…

The taste
For years and years (even when I was growing up) there was always this thought that pussy smells and tastes like fish, Maybe that’s born from the younger days of fingering girls and smelling your finger afterwards. Maybe you stuck your finger in some unclean pootie tang and it scarred you for life, but really, pussy does not smell and taste like fish. It’s kind of like… fruit juice. I can hear shouts of denial but seriously, it doesn’t taste as bad as her scent may suggest and, trust me, once you’re in there, you will LOVE it… But you gotta get past that ‘fish thinking’ barrier. Once you’re past that, it’s smooth sucking from there.

Liquid on the face
Some of you men out there are SCARED of pussy juice. Yep, I said it, you’re scared of it. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like it’s the acid spit from the Alien that just melts everything it touches. Again, anyone who has spent a lot of time down between a woman’s thighs knows that once it’s on your face, it’s there. What can you do about it? Nothing… just go on go on…
Best way to get over this stigma is to take some time out to just play with pussy juice. Seriously. Take a moment or two to just get some on your fingers and play with it, become ONE with the juice, smell it, stretch it between ya fnigers… until you’re at a stage where it being on your face is MINOR. (Pretty soon, you’ll get to a point where you’ll want it on your face at all times, you’ll wanna watch her masturbate and rub her moist fingers on your lips… okay, that just may be me…)

Being DOWN there
Being a man, you may think that being down there is, pardon the pun, beneath you, and there is no way you will ever find yourself BELOW a woman in that way. Like there’s something wrong with that. Au contre mon fre… it is in fact the most liberating thing to feel and experience and I’ll tell you why. Women love to be in control, especially in sex. Sure they want a man who will take control and put her where he wants her and do what need to be done, but, at the same time, they wanna drive the vehicle too. And in a head situation, especially where she is on her back with her legs open, you are giving her that control. The control to be able to hold your head still and fuck your face, the control to slide her pussy up and down your face, the control to squeeze her thighs and restrict how and where you eat. That control, plus the idea of looking down at you, gives her a simple pleasure that no other sexual practice can give. Because in that position, with she laid back, all she has to think about and experience is the fact that you are there to please her, nothing more, nothing less. So think less about feeling emasculated because you are below a woman and start thinking in terms of, I’m giving her the power, let her enjoy it.

The label attached to men who do that
In the UK men who eat pussy are usually referred to as bowcatts, rug munchers, fish mongers, pum pum eaters and general nasty men. BUT, are the people who call you these things there with you in the bedroom when you’re doing what you’re doing? No, so who gives a fuck what people (generally other men) think or say about the fact that you do that?
Here’s a few responses I like to give out when someone tries to frown or say something about my pussy eating exploits:

“The way she came tells me that I’m a GOOD bowcatt…”
“Yeah I eat pussy and I’m DAMN greaat at it too…”
“Lemme see you make her come 20 times in half an hour with your 10 minute dick game..”
“Mad at me? Why ‘cuz my girl is talking to your girl and now YOUR girl is hassling you for head?”
“You see that smile on her face? That’s from good pussy eating…”
“Don’t get mad at me sir, if you don’t wanna do it to her, that’s fine, but guaranteed she has a friend who’s getting good head and all the stories she’s hearing are PISSING her off with you because you won’t do it… or you do it badly on purpose…”
“It’s cool, but she WILL find someone who will eat her pussy…”
“Of COURSE I eat pussy, my tongue is seven inches for crying out loud.”

Hopefully sir, you have read something that has maybe changed your mind about not eating her pussy. As I said before, I’m not telling you to go out and eat every pussy that comes your way, but, think about finding one and giving it a try. There’s no way in the world that she won’t be, pardon the pun, down for it and, for the way that she could possibly respond, it’s SOOOO worth it.
Throw all those stigmas out the window, suck it up and get down there…
I know for a fact if you won’t, and everyone else around her is getting it, she WILL find someone out there who will eat it for FREE…

Because what you don’t know is that there is a plethora of men out there who are absolutely ravenous and will eat a pussy just because it’s a new day. They are the hungry men who enjoy nothing more than eating the pussies of women whose men are not giving them any.
These men like the idea of doing something that her man isn’t doing, it gives them a nice, sinister pleasure to know that they have a part of your woman that you will never be able to hold on to.

All because you didn’t wanna eat no pussy.

You don’t have to admit you read something in this letter and it made you change your mind about eating pussy. Maybe you wanna be a down-low eater, that’s fine… but for the LOVE of clitorial orgasms, be like Nike and JUST DO IT!


The Pied Piper of Pussy eating

Mr Oh

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I will but will you?

(Thanks to the amazing, hella fine, Kool and the gang, hook a brother up with a 3 day pass @SexySecret09 for the idea…)

So it’s another night.
You and your partner are together.
Ya warm and all agreeable and shit.
At a point where fingers are fiddling, eyes are meeting and speaking, your libidos are raging and there is nothing else to do except get it on.
Her bra goes this way, his boxers go that way…
His resolve goes out the window and her restraint was left at the front door.
It’s HOT now and nervous fingers become busy and focused on the lecture at hand.
The first kiss is electric.
Your damn near singing H-Town’s The Rain in your mind.
His hands on the small of your back is just what the doctor ordered.
She masturbating him all nice and wet.
It’s about to do DOWN…
Her thighs are too and fro.
His dick is up and more than ready to rock and roll…


It happens.

The inappropriate question. The gesture for a step in the wrong direction that makes you feel not so sexy anymore.

“Babe, will you eat my ass?”

“Can I spray whipped cream in your pussy and eat it out?”

Erm… I’m sorry, WHAT?!

Right now, your laying there, hot and bothered, really to play Super Mario and get that pipe or you are up standing and ready to feel her warmth but your Empire State Building becomes an instant limp shack.

You don’t know where the question came from, you don’t even know why in the hell they asked such a question, especially at that time, but now you’re staring at a dilemma.

Do you?!

You may say no straight away but, that could be the way to get yourself out of a bed situation and into a ‘maybe you’d be more comfortable at your own house’ situation.

Those questions above are only examples of the situation I’m referring to, but, in bedrooms everywhere, someone is requesting something that their partner may not be into, has never done before or something that made them screw up their face like, “ewwwwwww!”
But what do you do then?
After the initial ‘what the fuck’ moment has passed, what do you do next?
Do you do it? Or do you not? Does it depend on the act itself? Does it depend on the person asking? Does it depend on the WAY you’ve been asked? Or will you just plain refuse because you are strong in your principles and no amount of persuasion will change that?

One word for ya: experiment.

I’m not saying that if a woman wanted you to eat her ass or a man wanted to spray whipped cream from a can in your pussy and eat it out that you should let them in the name of experimentation. But, don’t shoot it down so quickly… (pardon the pun)

Take ya time… think about it… let the idea marinate for a minute.

It maybe the case that you have never done the act before and you are highly sceptical about what it will feel like, look like and even how your partner will react.
But take that chill pill and just relax… smoke a spliff if that’s your vice. (Even if it isn’t do it anyway, lol.)


Live a little for crying out loud…

Open your mouth and swallow if you never have, slow ease into her ass if she’s asking you to put it there, if he wants you to spit on his dick with huge globs of spit, do it… what have you got to lose.
The person asking you is asking for a reason. So really, the main thing for YOU to get over is can you do it?!
Can you swallow it up and get over whatever it is in your head that is stopping you from doing it?

Some people are stubborn and hard-headed to the point where if someone suggests something between the sheets, they won’t want to do it… just because it has been suggested to them… like the suggestion is a knock against their sexual prowess.
If they came up with the idea themselves, then they’d work it like it. But to suggest something to them makes them hard headed.

Case in point: if Donald tells his friend Eli how to FUCK his own girlfriend (I can’t think about a situation where this type of convo would take place), Eli might not really wanna try the suggestions out. To Eli, it’ll feel like he doesn’t know what he’s doing and he might not try ’em. BUT… he may try them in small individual doses and, if they work, he’ll claim them as his own.

Sex is give and take, sometimes you gotta give, sometimes you gotta take. (That’s the Cosby Show advice)
Sex is supposed to be some beautiful thang, with twists and turns, wild rides, smooth strolls and humming verses of Jill Scott’s Crown Royal.
Requests may pop up that have never been put on the table before but, if they do, don’t be closed minded about it.
Think about it, take it into consideration.
Remember the person asking you is asking for a reason… there could be a hidden, mammoth, squirting orgasm at the end of that yellow brick road. But because your so stubborn and old school, you won’t even want to try.

If your not one of those people who is even open to try, thus your partner doesn’t even ask, then you will have an unhappy partner who may want to do something but is too scared to ask.

The tagline for my trilogy of Little Black Book is open ya eyes, mind and thighs…
So open all three…

You JUST might like it…

So says Mr Oh…

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