Tag Archives: wrong

I should stop answering to you

How many times have you been a victim to this anytime figure?

You may have looked at the situation like, ‘no way, not again’ then before you knew it, you were face down ass up and confused as a mofo! Or behind the ass up thinking, ‘I swear I said no’.

Men and women both own the power of it, you cannot explain it, understand it or figure it out… but you are willing to go back for it…
Sheeeeet, you’ve taken roadtrips for it…

Worst of all, you’ve turned into a cheater for it!

This is one of the most powerful motherfuckers in all of sex.
And when you find it, you may not want to give it up, you may not want to taste it after the first sip… but your GONNA…
Aren’t ya?

This is a blog post dedicated to the sexiest of all sexy asses.
You know who you are you moral-less, need it when you need it, insatiable beings of pleasure you!

When you meet this type of person, you find yourself making questionable decisions, your morals and pre-made decisions go right out the window and things you previously said you would never do are getting done.
This is what that person does.
I will put down a free copy of one of my books that you either know someone like that NOW, you met someone like that, you deleted someone off ya phone like that or you’re being done by that person right now.

But who are they?!

THEY are the itch scratchers, the back rubbers, the thigh biters and the neck massagers… they are ready at any time, they ALWAYS know how to make you smile (whether up above or down below) and, most importantly, they don’t care if you have a partner or not.
That’s what they do.
They are trying to be that distraction in your life in order to deliver one thing and one thing only… a nut for you! (And for them obviously… they don’t pop up just to ‘cuddle’… unless that’s how you leave ’em after YOU come.)

But they will not stop until you come.
Because that’s what they wanna do. And you know that’s what they do!
That’s why you’re making questionable decisions about them in order to have them in your general vicinity.
There is something about the way they hold your dick when its time for the get down, or there is something so sloppy about her head game that you can’t stop thinking about them… or stop them from calling.
Even if you are in a situation where you are not supposed to be calling or entertaining these people, they STILL manage to get through to you.
But they know that.
They know that they can start a conversation talking about your partner and by the end of the conversation, have you planning your next hook-up.

Don’t play dumb, it’s only you and me here… you don’t have to say it out loud but you might remember their name.
You’ve been there… you may not tell ya closest friends about it… but you’ve done it! (If you haven’t good for you….)

You’ve told a lie to someone and made plans. You’ve made sure that there is no scope for anyone popping round on a random visit thing. You were asked about a message and you made up some random lie saying it was from a friend when really it wasn’t. You just want what you want!
That’s why you’ve set up this little tryst…
For some reason, there is something they do that you just cannot get enough of, nor can you find a way to get your current partner to do you the same way.

There is a certain power in BEING that person who makes the phone call to the person that you probably know you’re not supposed to be calling. They know your not supposed to be calling… but just the fact that they answered means they know but don’t care.
That’s the power you wield as the caller.
What that does, as the person who is misbehaving and receiving the call, is fuels you and your memories and the last time you had that person inside you. And the urge to have them again takes over and before you know it, someone has their legs in their air, moaning in a way that silently says, “Why don’t THEY make me feel like this?”

If you haven’t met this person in your lifetime then maybe you’ve BEEN that person.
OoOoOoOo… if you have then you KNOW what I’m talking about.

There is something in the way that they walk, the way they move, the way they look at you, the way they touch you that makes you wanna do something you know good and damn well your not supposed to be doing.
It’s not even like things are wrong in ya relationship to push you into the arms of another, it’s just the way they do SOMETHING!
Maybe it’s their eyes…

Who knows…

But we know they exist… they are the naughty people in the back who always know how to press THAT freaking button. The button that makes you do something you KNOW is damn wrong… but DAMN they make it feel good don’t they?!

These DANGEROUS motherfuckers aren’t concerned about your relationship or whatever you got going on. They don’t care about your mama or your job, your recent weight gain, or the ‘tell me about ya day and that bitch at work’ game… they just care about getting that nut… and giving you that nut!
And you want that nut don’t ya?!

Because you remember how the postman/woman delivers… everytime.

It IS possible to ignore these people, to tell these people no, to fight the moisture or the erection growing between ya thighs. It IS doable… because you have morals and standards and you’ve decided that if you are in a relationship then there is no sex out there that can change that.
It WILL always try, tagged to the end of a slick voiced, smooth talking, sloppy speaking, sexual favours offering, dirty thinking, filthy minded person, but you just hold on strong!

Don’t listen to them.
Don’t pay them any attention.
Don’t give ’em any time.
Don’t even look at ’em in the eye.
Because they are slick…
They’ve got John Blaze shit!
And they know how to use it…

It’s what they do…

So watch ya back…
Someone out there is looking at you or has just seen you after a long time and is planning to call ya…

So hide ya wife, hide ya husband, hide ya mistress, because those sexy motherfuckers are gonna be fucking everything round hurr…

Mr Oh

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Do’s and don’ts of sex

Do’s and don’ts of sex…

This is in no way shape or form a DEFINITIVE guide on what you should and shouldn’t do during sex (I mean I may put my tongue where others won’t, plus if it was, this would be a BITCH of a list) – so let’s just get that out the way…

SEX

I talk about it, do it, write about it, think about it, taste it, visualise it… I just like it.
But, as we all know, there is an unwritten unspoken set of rules that people GENERALLY adhere to in order to fully succeed in achieving that REAL good, make her thighs shake, make him walk like an Egyptian, sweat dripping, body trembling sex.

These are 10 do’s and don’ts for the best way to achieve the sex that your friends TELL you they have… unless you’re freakier than them…

DO’S

 1.

PAY ATTENTION – a simple, but HUGE start. Watch what makes your partner tick, what makes her voice hit that Mariah Carey octave or what makes him grab all over your body because he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Chances are, if you are hitting that SPOT the right way, and you keep doing it, someone’s gonna be coming soon.

WOMEN: If a woman moans when your twist her left nipple, breath on her right one, with one finger on her clit and another making it’s way in, then she LIKES it. DUH! So remember that move and add it to your mental rolodex.

MEN: Anything that gets his toes curling, face frowning or anything that makes him open his mouth in a perfect O is a keeper.

 2.

 BE DARING – why not try a spank from on high? Or rub the space between his balls and his anus during head? There are still a lot of hang-ups about particular sexual practices in the world but, to be honest, the quietest of people will like the freakiest of things.

WOMEN: If your head is telling you to suck his dick like a porn star, armed with porn star wrist action, dirty talk and saliva, then try it.

MEN: If you want to lift her legs back PAST her head and lick her ENTIRE crotch, what’s stopping you? What have you got to lose? Besides a possible eruptive orgasm.

3.

 ALWAYS BE PREPARED – at one point or another, we’ve all finished and realised that the ‘clean up towel’ is out of reach or the flannel is in the bathroom and SOMEONE has to get up. But no one wants to move. So make sure, you’re ready for any eventuality.

MEN: If you plan to tie her up, but she doesn’t know it yet, make sure you tie up the restrains before she even gets to the bedroom. Hide things under the pillow, under the mattress, etc.

WOMEN: are generally prepared because they decided they were gonna sleep with you about two days ago AND how it was going to go.

 4.

LET IT ALL GO – that’s the best way to be… free as a bird… not thinking about your Tesco’s shopping list or if it is CSI Miami or CSI Vegas on today… your mind should be on the task at hand. Distractions can lead to sudden situations such as:

WOMEN: leaving your mind temporarily and saying the first name that comes out of your mouth, even if it isn’t the name of the person above or below you. (It’s happened…)

MEN: not really feeling the way she’s working you, and the dreaded DROOP kicks in and no amount of looking or touching is getting it back up.

 5.

SWALLOW – there is nothing like watching or listening to someone slurping down the fruit juice of your labour… especially if you’ve been made to wait or have CHOSEN to wait it out. If you’ve been made to feel the way you should, you will WANT swallow what is coming to you… but if you’re not having your scratch itched, it could also brighten up the most boring of sessions.

MEN: don’t be scared of pussy juice… it won’t scald you… or turn your skin green. If you’re reading this and saying something along the lines of ‘I don’t go down for nobody’, then YOUR missing out… TRUST ME!

WOMEN: what is there to say about swallowing that you don’t already know? Nothing… just make it wet and deep and God bless ya!

DON’TS

 6.

 BODIES ARE NOT TOYS – whether you stroke the dick with too much kung-fu grip or your fingernails are too long to slide inside, you gotta make sure that YOU are representing yourself. Groom yaself, take care of the body you bring to the table and the body you are trying to please… it is there for your pleasure, not for you to treat like some old t-shirt that you paint in.

WOMEN: a few things to always remember – a strong grip on a dick isn’t ALWAYS necessary. Sometimes, men keep quiet, but we don’t like for our head’s to look like they’re about to explode. Teeth too. You gotta remember to keep them teeths covered… they have ROUGH edges… a grimace isn’t always in pleasure.

MEN: groping is fine to an extent but you have to be given the permission, otherwise keep it smooth and constantly moving. Another thing, not ALL women like a ‘rammer jammer’ in bed so don’t think that ramming her THROUGH the headboard will make her come. I did say, not all, because there is a fair share of women who don’t mind that all night long.

 7.

KEEP TOILET GAMES IN THE TOILET – not much of a fan of being pissed or shit on to be honest… but some people do… to each their own… but, if you ARE into that type of thing, MAKE SURE the other person is too. Because you don’t want her to be coming like a geyser then you stand over her and take a number two. This touches on ‘DO number 5’, but men HAVE to know the difference between a woman coming in their mouth and a woman peeing. If you don’t then… HAHAHAHAHA… take that shit to the grave… YOU got caught slipping.

MEN: just don’t do it.

WOMEN: just don’t do it either… leave the golden showers for private time on the can.

 8.

SENSES – it’s one thing for your body to not be into it, but for your eyes and mouth to show disinterest is a REAL mood killer. If you’re lying there, like a rag doll, forcing yourself into position, huffing and puffing when something feels wrong, rolling your eyes, fixing up your mouth like you’d rather be drunk, etc. It’s not a good look. And, in turn, the performance from both participants will suffer and the orgasm could just be to get it out the way so one of you can sleep. Why are you fucking in the first place?

WOMEN: though a lot of sexual emphasis regarding sounds is put on women, you DO make our engines roar when we hear the road enjoying the ride. If you’re not feeling it, it’s better to keep it real and just say, ‘you know what, we need to stop!’ Better that then feeding his ego, making him feel like he ROCKED the Casbah, when really, you were mentally fucking someone else.

MEN: do not restrict your vocab in the moment to ‘uh’, ‘oh’, ‘um’, ‘yeah’, ‘that’s it’ and, my personal favourite, ‘oh yeah’. Give it some variation, throw a, ‘bet you can’t get it all in your mouth’, or a sly, ‘look how big your mouth is, I know you can do better’. (Though the last one could STOP everything and turn her into, ‘what do you mean my mouth is big? What, you saying I talk too much? See, I knew it… my girlfriends told me about you.’ And you watch her walk away. So CAREFUL!)

 
9.

 WALK THE STRUT IF YOU’VE TALKED THE GAME – there is nothing worse than bragging about your CRAZY head game or your WEST BANK dick that will have her screaming, ‘GAZAMISEH’… and NOT delivering the product advertised. Don’t promise a porn star performance if you know you only need two positions to get your nut and drop to a quick slumber. Keep it real with yourself. Only offer what your willing to give. That way there’s no expectations.

WOMEN: Give him what he ordered or what you provided for him on the menu… if you’re willing to go that extra mile, let him know, or spring it on him when his mind is somewhere else.

MEN: okay… now… men have a tendency to talk a good game more than women do. But that’s because the onus is put on men to MAKE the sex good for both of you. Plus, it’s not our fault… unfortunately, and it’s yet to be scientifically proven, but, our dicks sometimes speak for us. So when the opportunity to talk sex arises, so does our junior selves. And they like to talk about all the things they can do, based on past experiences, but every time is different. So don’t think that you’ll be able to fuck for four hours like you did with your ex, and then come after five minutes. Which leads me on to my next point… you cannot… repeat CANNOT blame a case of premature ejaculation on her ‘good pussy’. They don’t buy it guys.

 10.

SEX TOOL KIT – sex is not a plaster on a stab wound of a relationship, it will not FIX your problems, mend your broken heart or define your status on this planet. It will make you feel good for… as long as you can make it last for. Someone is thinking about having sex right now for all the wrong reasons, but, to them, they can’t see anything but legs in the air. It is a temporary euphoric release that dissipates after you’ve caught your breath after an orgasm… or had that bomb diggy nap. Because if you’re having sex to hide, mask or fix something, the pain of the wound will still be there.

WOMEN: rule sex, don’t let it rule you.

MEN: it may seem like the GALICE thing to do but sex is not a badge of honour.

Maybe you agree with my do’s and don’ts, maybe you think I’m way off, but, hey, you’ve been entertained!

Be good with it…

Peace and hair grease

Mr Oh

DON’T FORGET: Little Black Book – OUT NOW via amazon and all good internet and book shops

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